Desires Granted

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart" - Psalm 37:4

Several years ago when I realized that God was asking me to do something more just exist in this world I was convicted to change behaviors and attitudes that were "accepted" by society. I changed these things willingly and with joy. There was one desire in my heart that continued to be a distraction... the desire to be married.

You single women know how it is... you are in public surveying the crowds looking for "the one". You check the ring finger, he looks at you, your heart starts to pound, then some young beautiful thin blonde walks up and grabs his hand.... Your friends are constantly suggesting someone they know as a potential candidate. You have a hard time enjoying yourself because you are self conscious about what impression you may be giving. Ok, now I know I am not the only one out there!!! Admit it!

Well, I finally decided I needed to leave this desire to God. I prayed that he would take the passion (that strong burning desire) away. Don't take it completely away... just lessen the hold it had on me so that I could concentrate on serving Him. He granted my request and gave me the promise that He would grant my desire in His time. It was amazing. I immediately became more confident in myself and didn't worry so much about the impression I was making... I was able to be myself... imagine! What freedom!

Well, you know the rest of the story... I continued to seek God's will in my life, God gave me a heart for missions and I moved to Zambia.

My life in Zambia has been full. God has provided great friends and "family" for me. I have never known such joy and fulfillment. There is nothing like knowing exactly where God wants you to be and being there!

About one year ago, those burning desires for a companion started creeping back in... I started "surveying the territory". There weren't a lot of options. I asked God why this desire was returning. He just said "Wait".

Facebook has been a real blessing to me. It has allowed me to get in touch with childhood friends, school buddies, workmates and to stay in touch with family and close friends. I never dreamed it would be the conduit for meeting my future husband.

Early October of last year I reconnected with a childhood friend... Jimmy Brown although, he prefers Jim these days. Jim's parents and my parents were best friends and had remained friends until his father passed away in 2008 and his mother was moved to an assisted living facility. Our families attended the same church. Matter of fact, Jim's grandfather was our pastor. He baptized me.

Jim is ten years older and while I was still a young girl he became an adult and started a family.

Fast forward 40 years....

Jim has four children and five grandchildren. He is separated from his wife for 2 1/2 years and is in the end stages of divorce.

Janet is divorced for 17 years, no children and a missionary in Zambia.

Doesn't sound like a match made in heaven, does it? I tell you our God has a great sense of humor.

Jim and I started chatting on Facebook and on October 21 had a "marathon" chat that lasted about 12 hours. We discussed everything from our childhood to adulthood, our views on Christianity, the world and who we were as adults. We found it easy to confide in each other and to share our experiences without fear of judgment. I felt like a schoolgirl!

Wait a minute though... this man was still married technically and what was I doing? This was a disaster in the making. I struggled with my emotions and my desires and I prayed for God's wisdom. Finally, in November I decided that we could no longer continue our chats because it was not proper and it did not honor God. It was one of the hardest things I ever did but I sent Jim an email telling him that until his divorce was final that we could not communicate. I was devastated.

Jim had already agreed to spend Thanksgiving at my sister's house where my parents would be. He asked me if it would be ok for him to attend as planned. I told him it was ok because he was an old family friend and that they would be happy to see him.

The Friday after Thanksgiving Jim calls me in Zambia and apologizes for the call. He knows that it is against my wishes but he had to let me know his feelings for me. I was caught off guard and speechless. I just sat in silence trying to understand how to proceed. I explained to Jim that his feelings didn't change the fact that he was still married and that continuing our relationship would be wrong. He asked me to enter into a time of fasting and prayer to discern God's will for our relationship. I did.

The result of the time of fasting and prayer allowed me the peace to continue a "friendship" with Jim but we set boundaries of not discussing a future together. Jim proceeded with his divorce and I continued my work in Zambia.

I had already planned my visit to the USA before Jim and I reconnected but his friendship now complicated my schedule. I made it clear that unless he was divorced we would not be able to spend time with each other. This was not a problem for him. He agreed.

I was scheduled to arrive in Washington DC on December 30. Jim planned to meet me there and purchased a ticket with the understanding that if his divorce was not final he would not use it. His divorce was finalized the morning of December 30, just hours before his plane was scheduled to leave.

Jim and I spent New Years together in the Washington area getting to know each other. We both wanted to spend more time together and discussed how to do that with my schedule and limited time in the USA. Jim agreed to join me wherever I was on the weekends. He also understood that my family and ministry responsibilities came first.

I won't say that the courtship was perfect. I had been single 17 years and had learned to be quite independent. I also enjoy my "me" time. There were times when I thought it was ridiculous to pursue this relationship... after all I live in Zambia. Jim lives in Nashville. I had planned to break the news to Jim that we should stop seeing each other but then he did the sweetest thing....
I was supposed to speak at my brother's church and just before I was going to prepare he asked if he could pray for me. I knew this was a sign from God not to give up so easily.

The rest of our time in the states was fun but I was still the skeptic. I finally just told myself to enjoy the attention. I thought that when I went back to Zambia it would be over and I really wasn't that attached anyway. I thought it would be harder for Jim than it would be for me but he would get over it. After all, he was a newly divorced man... the women would be like vultures!

February 28 I headed back to Zambia. Needless to say, my emotions were like a roller coaster. God had clearly spoken to me and I knew I was supposed to return to Zambia yet I couldn't stop thinking about Jim.

My return to Zambia was more difficult than the last time. I was returning to Lusaka which I really don't enjoy (I prefer Zimba) and I was returning to the knowledge that my dear friend, Jannike, would be leaving within a few weeks. Oh yeah.. I was missing Jim.

Jim and I have communicated every day either by chatting over the internet or via phone. We found a relatively cheap phone service. Jannike lessened my guilt over the cost of such a luxury by pointing out that if Jim and I were in the same city we would spend that same amount of money, if not more, on dates. Thanks Jannike!

Jim teaches high school in Nashville and so has the summer off. He began making plans to travel to Zambia for the months of June and July. We started discussing what a future together might look like. He was open to moving to Zambia so that I could continue the ministry God has given me.

OK... so the bottom line is....

Jim and I are going to be married on June 3 at 9am in Livingstone, Zambia in a small intimate ceremony by the Zambezi River. He will spend two months here in Africa with me. We will return to the states together in August and make plans to return to Zambia.

Our courtship has been unconventional to say the least but I have no doubts that this is God's plan for us. Just as he gave me confirmation along the way while I prepared to come to Zambia, he has done the same during this process also. On more than one occasion the Holy Spirit has assured me that this union is the fulfillment of a promise from God and a reward for my obedience to his call. I am truly blessed by His love.

I ask for your prayers as Jim and I become man and wife. Pray that we will continue to heed the will of God in our lives and that our marriage will honor Him. I wish each of you could be here to witness this occasion but I will be aware of your presence through your prayers. May God bless each of you as He has blessed me.

Stateside 2010

On December 28, 2009 I left Zambia set for the United States. It had been 18 months since my last visit and I was ready to see family and friends. There had been babies born, loved ones who had gone on and friends who were fighting for their life. It is so easy to get caught up in life 8000 miles away that you become numb to the things that happen "at home". Exactly where is home any way?

My last visit to the states was a rather hectic time. I had exactly 4 weeks to visit family and friends, visit numerous health care professionals, and visit churches that support and pray for me. I was exhausted by the time I returned to Zambia. Did I mentioned that the visit was wedged between two short term mission trips that I hosted? I don't remember learning how to come home when I did my missionary training. I didn't do it very well.

This time I was determined to do it better. I decided what I needed to do was to schedule some R&R before and after visiting my family, friends and church. I planned some time with my family in Jackson, TN before getting all caught up in the hustle and bustle of Memphis. I also felt it necessary to identify a woman whom I could talk to about issues I may experience and who would also challenge me spiritually. The one thing I did not plan was time for someone of the opposite sex. Trust me... God definitely has a sense of humor!

I arrived in Washington DC on December 29 after a day layover in London. Terry Love, a dear friend, met me at the airport and drove me to his house where he and his wife, Felicia, would host me for the next few days. Terry and I have a long history and it was good to see him and spend some time with him, his wife and daughter. They were planning a neighborhood New Years Eve party. I couldn't wait... I love New Year's Eve.

Did I mention that another friend was joining me in Washington that evening? This was a childhood friend that I had not seen in 40 years. Imagine, someone flying to spend a weekend in Washington DC with someone they had not seen in 40 years.

Well, the New Year's Eve party was lots of fun and the ball dropped on Times Square as it does each year. I was quite sure that 2010 was going to be a year I wouldn't forget any time soon.

After my time in Washington I headed to Pennsylvania where I was to have the honor or meeting Dannah Gresh, author of "And The Bride Wore White" and founder of Pure Freedom ministries. Dannah has a heart for Zambia also and had written a curriculum specifically for Zambia addressing the issue of abstinence. God has given me a heart for young people who are lured into sex at an early age and those who believe that sex is love. Dannah had agreed to teach me the curriculum so that I could use it in Zambia.

It was a wonderful time. Dannah saw to it that I was spoiled. I stayed with her parents in their new home, spent some time at Grace Prep High School meeting some incredible students, attended the workshop teaching the purity curriculum and was prayed over by Dannah's prayer warriors. It was an awesome experience and prepared me for my journey home to Tennessee.

When I arrived at my brother's house on Saturday, January 19th I was so surprised to see Christmas lights outside and a tree in the house. My family saved Christmas for me! Sunday afternoon, my brother and his family, my sisters, nieces, nephews, great nephews, great nieces and that friend from 40 years ago all gathered for a Christmas meal, gift exchange and of course, Dirty Santa. It was a great time and very meaningful.

After one week in Jackson it was time to head to Memphis to visit with dear friends and those who support me through their gifts and prayers.

Speaking in front of hundreds of people is not my idea of fun but I must say by the end of my time in Memphis I was a lot more comfortable with the idea. What used to take 10 minutes for me to say soon started taking 30 or 40 minutes. I had multiple opportunities to speak to the Christ United Methodist Church congregation and was so welcomed by everyone. I felt like a celebrity!

The other churches that were on my scheduled were Parkburg Baptist Church, Jackson, TN, McKinney Memorial Bible Church, Fort Worth, TX and First Wesleyan Church of Battle Creek, MI.

Ok, I will admit it now... it is my fault that the USA had so much snow this year. I planned my time home so that I could experience cold weather and I wanted to "see" some snow. Not only did I see snow but I was able to play in it, travel in it and watch it fall frequently. Be careful what you ask God for... it snowed every week I was in the states.

Spiritually my time in the states was a renewal time for me. I was fortunate enough to spend some time with Janet Sheehan who provided the spiritual challenge I was looking for. She introduced me to a new devotional, Jesus Calling. She spent numerous hours with me while I rattled on about my experiences in Zambia, my challenges of being in the states and this growing relationship with the 40 year friend. Yes, he was still hanging around.

I struggle with the feeling of inadequacy and I question why God would use someone like me... I know the answer... because I am willing. (I frequently remind myself that He even used a donkey!) I love God and I am in awe of all that he has done for me. I am humbled that no matter where I took him he never gave up on me. I praise Him for how my life has changed since I realized that His way is the only way.

I left Memphis feeling refreshed and excited about returning to Zambia. I felt the power of everyone who had been praying for me. I was energized by the interest of those who were just learning about Zambia. I knew that it was time to go "home". I was secure in the knowledge that "he chose me (I changed the pronoun) in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight."- Ephesians 1:4 I also left feeling assured that God would keep all his promises to me just as he had kept his promises to Abraham.

The last two weeks in the states were spent with family and that 40 year friend. Yes, I couldn't shake him. He was a persistent fella! It was difficult leaving them behind but I knew without any doubt that my return to Zambia was God ordained. What a great feeling!

Procrastination

"I do not not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." - Romans 7:15

or you might change it to this for chronic procrastinators like me...

I do not understand why I do NOT do it. For what I need to do I do not do but what I LIKE I do!

I don't like to write. It is a chore for me and I procrastinate doing it... I've justified the procrastination by saying" I'm not inspired", "I have more important things to do", "No one really reads it anyway" and "There is just too much to write about".

The last statement is where I am today. Since my last blog post I have spent two months in the USA and returned to Zambia where I have been for almost three months. That's five months with no update to my blog... please forgive me.

I actually looked up the definition of Procrastination (you know Google knows everything!)

"Procrastination refers to the counterproductive deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite such behavior as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision."(Yes, this is me!!!) ... "Procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt and crisis, severe loss of personal productivity, as well as societal disapproval for not meeting responsibilities or commitments. These feelings combined may promote further procrastination. (Me again!!!) While it is regarded as normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning. Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological disorder." (Ooops... back to therapy)

So, how I usually deal with procrastination is making a list... this blog is the last thing on the list... no excuses now. The second way I deal with it is by just doing something towards the goal... instant gratification... that's what I need! So, this short blog is my way of getting over the "hump".

I will end this rambling by saying that the next blogs will include:

Review of my time in the USA
Update on my return to Zambia
How God has blessed me personally

Now, that I have set some goals... be watchful!

To finish that Romans thought...

Now if I do what I do not like to do, it is no longer I who do it but a an item on the list that I must be checked off.